My Brief Eternity

In the eighteen years
I walked this fragile ground,
I learned the thousand meanings
Of love,
       Hate,
            And discrimination.

I have viewed history
Without comprehending it’s meaning.
I have been broken,
                 Healed,
And broken again.

I have discovered that I care too much
And I don’t care at all.

I found I prefer my dogs to people
Because they offer no judgments
Of my scars,
          Secrets,
                  Desires.

I have cried countless tears,
Opened my skin to let out my sorrows.
I have smiled when wanting to cry,
Laughed when wanting to scream,
Held myself together
When I longed to shatter.

I discovered
              Who                 was
                        I
And learned who I am not.
I changed my style,
My ways of thinking,
And lost my desire to please all who meet me.

I’ve written thousands of words
                                 (All whose meaning I have long forgotten),
Poetry offered sanity
                                 (Quickly driven away).
Music offered escape

                                 (And caged me in my memories).

Tragedy has struck,
                  Miracles begged for,
                                     Lady Death ignoring my pleas.

Blackness has swallowed me,
Teased me with light
Only to take it away and crush my soul,
Leaving me to believe
I am worthless,
             Useless,
                    Unloved,
                           Unnecessary,
                                      Unneeded.
A waste of space,
With nothing to live for.
Nothing to gain.

I have pretended to forgive,
But never forgotten,
Ached and
        Raped and
                 Pushed away
Because of assumptions.

I have been hated for no reason,
Other than
     Who I am,
           Who I love,
                 And what I do.
In this brief eternity,
I have lived.